lundi, février 16, 2009

I'm a bit bruised by the faux games abetted by the internet. And I'm not solely talking about volleys with men--although I've had a lot of odd experiences with men online.

Actually, it isn't the faux part-I'm not bad at scoping that out. It's the other emotions surging in the virtual world that actually aren't virtual at all. When faced with those, I often feel like I'm in a fight with one hand tied behind me.

Is that irritation...or something more frightening?

Is that specific desire, or generic flirtation?

Does he (or she) have the same boundaries I do?

What signals am I sending? How can I keep my hand off the keyboard for long enough to say what needs to be said, instead of responding in pique or in suggestion? Is that shared interests, or coincidence? Is that kindness...ah, I choose to believe it is kindness.

Mostly, I have a hard time arguing that the emotion evolves out of an online interaction between two people who don't know one another very well. It's the previous girlfriend, the father, the husband--and I just happened to trigger it. But I am beginning to realize that I don't have all the communications skills required to maintain long term online relationships without real interaction. And I have sat at my keyboard and sensed darkness often enough to know that I don't really wish to.

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