vendredi, juillet 09, 2010

Fireflies and sunset

Having had some time in a city this afternoon, I needed to play hookie at home tonight.

Yes, I have work to do -- a book review to write (once I finish the book), and a sermon for Sunday morning.

But this week has been intense -- a welter of emotions, projections, fantasies. The sky and the grass, the children playing baseball by the school and the wildflowers waist high by the side of the road, called me, and I didn't even want to resist.

A couple walked by me as I strode, the wife chatting animatedly to her husband (I assume it was her husband, but I suppose he could have been her lover -- or her cousin). Halfway down the hill under the dusky old trees, I broke into a run. I couldn't help myself.

Down by Springton, the creek shone clear, the light of the sunset shining on the farm fields. Isn't it fascinating how dusk can sometimes echo sunrise?

Up I jogged past the house we thought we might purchase, past the one store we have in town, between the two Victorian houses in the village, the graveyard, the park -- the children playing tennis as the summer light disappeared for the night. A deer and I had a staring contest -- I am not always sure that they are going to cede the path to us.

Then down our lane to the house. Watering the plants outside, I took a moment to be grateful for this knowing -- beyond words.

Then inside -- renewed.

I have the feeling...somebody's watching me (you)

Recently I had an extremely unpleasant conversation with someone online.

If conversation it could be called.

Given that this is a relatively public forum, I'm not able to go into the details. I will tell you that I'd said again and again to this man that I preferred meeting him face to face, rather than trying to communicate through emails.

No nuance. No super ego! And multiple possibilities for malcommunicating.

After our ongoing miscommunication culminated in a general rending of my character and what he perceived as my behavior, he alluded to the fact that he had "seen me online" somewhere -- and felt that made a lie out of what I had told him. Regardless of the fact that what I had attempted to tell him wasn't what he heard.

And, to be honest, that really does creep me out. It's not that I have something to hide (would that I had so many fascinating secrets), but that I have (as have many of you in various contexts, like Facebook) allowed my privacy to be violated in the interests of disclosure.

Of course, most of the times, this kind of disclosure (chatting with your pals online or sharing links) is quite innocent -- and will have no troublesome consequences. It's only when a contact goes south that you have the feeling that someone has his or her eye glued to the spyglass. That someone might be an individual, an ad sponsor, or a corporation...or even, possibly, the government.

And it is in times like this that I wonder -- what part of myself have I surrendered?

What about you?

mercredi, juillet 07, 2010

I'm back

My apologies for having been so intermittent about posting recently. Summer has upended our schedules around here, leading to some confusion.

In addition, I've started a new program in counseling which demands attending classes and homework, and talking to other students who could be my children. Guess what? They are really sweet, and they don't call me mom.

I wanted to plug a new venture I have joined as a blogger, a California-based series of connected blogs entitled SMARTLY --- but I can't figure out the feed yet, so you will have to wait to access it here. But I am not quite medieval -- here's the link.

At any rate, I'll try to be a more faithful, consistent blogger -- once I figure out what I forgot to do yesterday-- and take the cat off the stove.