mercredi, octobre 12, 2011
Hey, she didn't "steal" your boyfriend
She's sitting in the car next to me, phone glued to her ear, totally into the drama.
As far as I can tell Caitlin (names have been changed to protect the guilty) cheated on Mark. Caitlin had been going out with Ron, but when they broke up about a month ago, she transferred her affections to Ron's best friend (Mark, of course).
Now Mark, you see, had previously dated someone else in their circle -- Anita.
In fact, Anita has gone out with Larry, Alex and Billy -- all of whom once went with Caitlin.
All of them, at one time or another, have been wracked with pain, possessiveness and fear.
It's amazing that my daughter's friends find time to attend school. Probably the main purpose of doing that is to catch up on gossip.
What both amuses and annoys me is how this small clique of young men and women keep recycling their boyfriends and girlfriends -- producing the expected storms, tears and heartache.
On the one hand, it's funny. On the other, their world seems rather small.
The DQ doesn't seem to be listed among the "cheaters" -- phew. It's been a looong time since high school, but I' m aware that it's a hard reputation to live down.
Even if she didn't love the drama of it so much, I'd still be puzzled when it comes to helping her work her way through the steam.
Not only did I not do a lot of dating when I was younger (still don't), but I really don't "get" jealousy and possessiveness.
Oversensitivity? Yeah, I've been called on it. I tend to take some comments way more seriously than I should.
I do recognize that jealousy is a pretty common emotion, though --- and that it often comes from a place of deep hurt.
I've had a few difficult break-ups -- but even in cases like those, I didn't feel intimidated by the other women.
I sometimes play a little game.
What it would take to get me all riled up about another woman -- beauty? Brains? A fantastic body? The kind of wit that impels men to gather around her at parties, like bees to a flower?
It seems to me that it's silly to blame someone else, like my children's friends do sometimes, when a partner decides to leave -- a person can't be tempted without choosing to give in.
And one can't hang on to somebody else who doesn't want to be held. He or she will slide through your hands like oil.
I try to teach my daughter these things. But I fear that she's got to learn them herself.
Perhaps she will discover what a dead end jealousy can be from watching her friends suffer.
Or perhaps she'll find a calling as a therapist -- and get reimbursed for what she's doing freely.
Eventually, I hope she discovers that the freedom to choose has to be the freedom to lose -- only then will you be able to gain more than you ever imagined was possible... back when you wore the fearsome shackles.