lundi, septembre 02, 2013

Nicely. Done.

I am, I recognize wryly, your archetypal  "nice" woman (except when the occasional impulsively blurted comment slips out).  Mostly, I am told, I sound like I think through everything before I say it.

Goodness, I wouldn't want to offend anyone by saying something that might hurt their feelings. And when and if I do,  I query my conscience a hundred times (well, maybe ten, but still, that's space that could be taken up by something more interesting).

I worry about that line where "nice" may veer to close to "doormat."

So I'm trying to take a few steps back. Nice alone won't cut it. Nice but firm? O.K.  Nice and differentiated? Sure.

 Nice and hot (hey, sign me up!).

But nice alone -- it's a recipe for problems.

Like with friends who take you for granted when it comes to making or breaking dates, because it's more convenient for them, or they merely got distracted. That's SO high school.

Last night a married guy contacted me.

On dating sites that allow for them, they often call themselves "available."

To my mind, that equates with "available" for furtive embraces, seeing you at inconvenient times, and a dash of lying and cheating on the side.  Just enough availability to make you feel sleazy and cheap.

He found me, and my way with words "enticing", he said in an email message.

While not judging his situation, I wrote back, I can't imagine causing that kind of pain in another woman's life. No dice, bud.

Why on earth, I wonder, would someone buy these pitches if they have an ounce of self-esteem? Are there women who really fall for these dudes (hit me up, baby, I just need a little company)?

Truth be told, there was a time in my life, when, as my marriage thudded to a close,  I ran into someone I liked "more than as a friend."  Fortunately, it never went anywhere -- and even more fortunately, for my own sense of integrity, I said something to my husband.

Affairs never solve the issue they are meant to solve.

Instead, they show up as a signal of an inability to communicate effectively. The fantasy that you can work out with someone else without doing a bit of work to make it happen or figure out how you screwed up (sorry) is a potent one.

I told this guy that I wished him and his spouse the best of luck.

The elderly gentleman who contacted me today wasn't happy that I politely told him that I didn't think we had many common interests, and that I wasn't a smoker.  In fact, he called me stupid.



There was a time when I would have taken this rant personally. Now I move on.

It's all static. Life is way too short to stew over a stranger's rant.

Life is too short to reach out to friends who are careless with your feelings (more than normally careless. It doesn't pay to be TOO sensitive).

I'm trying on "nice and tough" on for size today.

Wanna bet how long I can keep this up?

If you give me credit for baby steps, I am really, truly, doing nicely.

More than nicely.

Right now it feels as if I'm putting on a Halloween mask to scare children.

But give me time, my pretties. Just give me some time.

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