dimanche, septembre 18, 2011
I'm a bit of a mindfulness snob.
There's a lot of pap out there about mindfulness -- mindfulness in sound bites. I wonder why it's become such a popular idea -- maybe because most of us know that we spend a lot of time crazy busy and feeling guilty about it.
Let me do the trendy thing for a moment, because its convenient. Mindfulness in a sound bite -- it's being present in the moment, where you are. Accepting the bad, the ugly and the good -- the truth for now, knowing that it could, and probably will change.
But not predicting, or expecting the change -- not trying to control it.
I love the idea...I'm not always very good at it.
Yesterday, for example, I found myself behind a very erratic driver. She or he would slow down, then speed up, forcing me to do the same. This would not have mattered much to me, except that my gas gauge (I had left my pocketbook at home the day before, so was sans credit card) was below the red line. I was running on empty.
Gripping the steering wheel, I groaned. I spoke sternly to myself. I envisioned myself already at the gas station (kinda a mindfulness no-no).
I got to the gas station --- the anti-poster girl for mindfulness practice.
Today I woke up -- and although I had an ornery cold (y'all try living in a house without heat), I had a sense of freedom, of possibility, of hope.
Part of this comes from acceptance of what is, in fact, the case. The goods, the bads, the uglies. But it's not like I can take credit for my sense of peace -- it feels like it's something that is happening both in and to me.
Whatever - I'm grateful. What a gift, after a few months of transition and turmoil. And a sense of relief so deep that I really can't analyze it yet.
Part of it, I have to admit, comes from having encountered, in the past few days, via conversation and emails, some genuinely nice guys. Guys who seem to be responding to the person I am.
I have railed (just a few days ago) about the badly-behaved men who approach me online -- it's as though the universe wants to remind me not to give up hope.
Last night I traded stories of left-wing family connections with someone on the phone, doing a playful game of "can you top that"?
Today I heard from a man saying that he was compelled to write by the "depth" he saw in my eyes.
He has no idea how much that means to me. The combination of a hot guy who appreciates depth could turn out to be irresistible...we'll see. I'd love to find a guy who could share intimacy, independence, gnarliness and forgiveness with me (see below for a reprise of one of my faves).
And that's not even the half of what's been going on. All of it good. It feels wonderful to be seen..and appreciated.
I don't know if there is some kind of synchronicity between acceptance and opportunity -- I'd like to believe that, but I remain agnostic in face of the opacity of the universe.
I have no idea what's happening, or why it's happening, but so many chains feel a lot looser now.
I can't guarantee that this mood will last -- but I'm going to enjoy it as long as it does. And I hope that whatever joy you find on this lovely fall day is a gift of freedom, of optimism, of hope. Fleeting? Perhaps. But no less precious for that.