mercredi, juillet 27, 2011
I dreamed of you... before I slept
I confess, it was not a good night.
Wandering among the avatars of the righteous left and the equally convinced right, I felt lost, irate, distressed. So much rhetoric. So little time.
Will we awake before it is too late to find the common good, a way to reach across the seas that part our dreams?
Today was also burdened with the realization that my larger family, which includes the man with whom I no longer share board and bed, will have to face a medical drama that will take pretty much everything we have -- and possibly a bit more.
And then, there is a child, the one who slips like water between my hands. Sometimes abstracted, sometimes defiant, sometimes happy, often dour, she continues to evoke tears, and fright, and the worry that keeps me awake when, as now, I should be sleeping.
Tonight I, who wear my independence like a falconer's glove -- I opened the door a crack to imagine a person who might be out there, looking for someone like me.
Someone who would understand, if not share, the burdens I carry. Someone to receive a quick email as the clock ticks toward midnight, explaining -- and send a supportive and caring one back (all I want, some nights).
Someone to meet for a quick glass of wine or a run.
A man who can make me laugh at myself when I take myself way too seriously. A man who needs me without being needy.
A person who loves me in those spaces where I have opportunity and motive to be loved.
I dreamed of you -- and then I put the vision on that messy shelf where my romantic visions dwell. I dare not often give them form, but I suppose, at least, that I know what I miss.
Tomorrow I will have, I hope, more strength to walk this path alone -- and shall see this longing as weakness, the fruit of a tired mind and bruised heart.
Or maybe not. There is a part of me that still believes in magic.
I just don't let it face the night too often.