mardi, mars 11, 2008

Not goin' write you a love song....

I've been reeling a bit from a bad cross-gender experience-feeling a bit more rattled than I usually do in the wake of these odd riffs on potential sex, romance, and saying what you really mean.

As so often in these cases, I wonder what I didn't see, what I could have done to communicate better, why I didn't stop it sooner. Mad that he didn't see who I am, and wondering if perhaps I didn't understand him either.

His loss. Maybe mine, too.

Glad it's over-no more roller coaster, no more torturous two hour chats online, no more feeling demeaned and confused (by him, anyhow-and he probably didn't even mean it that way). No more snippy zingers from me (at him, anyway).

Missing our conversations. Wondering what the heck we talked about for that long.

Getting ready to get ready to move on. Guys are better at scavenging (it's the hunter-gatherer thing), so I'm guessing he's on to the next five or six women already.

And yanno, beneath all of this turmoil of undigested feeling, knowing that we, even him and me, are all in this boat together.

Communicating with another human being is damned hard-for you to understand what they mean they have to be able to understand it first! Lots of times, to steal a friend's phrase, we don't want to pick up what they are laying down.

We don't really want to be challenged and to grow-but it's the testing and the coaching that make us feel alive.

Not to mention that, in the end, I do think that all of us really want to be loved and accepted-we very often, too often, don't know how to ask for it. And, as we get older, we bury this need under shoulds and shouldn't, layers of defenses, old hurt, misunderstood or poorly understood previous much trash.

I really do believe this. Now I just have to practice it.

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