mercredi, septembre 14, 2011

Bitter with a dash of wry

I see his face pop up on my "viewed you" page, and, for a moment, I feel a rush of rage.

White-hot anger floods my veins.

He is one of many men on dating sites who call themselves "available" -- it's actually, strangely, a synonym for "unavailable."

The word "available" often means that they are married, and for some reason looking for sex/romance online (they are cheating, swinging, or stuck in the never-never land of living in the same house as the wife).

Then there was the fellow whose profile said that he had been cheated on by an unfaithful "cougar" wife...and was only seeking casual hookups himself.

Who in their right mind would want to date a man who describes himself like this?

I'm losing my patience with married guys, guys who write me emails that say merely "hi" and men who rail at me if I don't treat them with the care deserved by an ancient Roman vase.

In the old days, I'd want to know what made these fellows tick -- why were they doing these strange things online? I'd study them like an entomologist scans a bug that hasn't yet been named.

Now I just think they are total jerks -- no, some of them are babies.

I've also lost my immunity to immature behavior.

What concerns me is that, along with the disgust, I have moments of bitterness. And I'm genuinely not a bitter person.

I can find a reason to forgive, to believe, to reach out...even when it's not clear that the person on the other end is worthy of that kind of tenacity. I find it hard to think ill of anybody.

Yet I don't want to become mean, or hurtful, or vengeful. I'd rather be slightly naive than a crusty middle-aged lady, with layers like a carapace.

I still believe in love, even if romantic love doesn't come my way. Yet I hope...hope that a person will come into my life who is indeed a man of honor, even if that honor has gotten a little jagged and cracked along his journey.

Mending is something we could do as a team. I know I need healing also -- I'm very tired of being jaded.

I changed my profile header today to: "Seeking a man who looks in the mirror, broken, scarred, gorgeous -- and doesn't blink." I could love a guy like this.

But save me from the man who doesn't know he is in pieces. I do not have a spirit large enough for him.

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