vendredi, septembre 02, 2011

After the break-up: was she REALLY not the person you thought she was?

I can't tell you how often I hear someone say, when explaining why they had decided to get a divorce: "Well, she (or he) wasn't really the person I thought she (or he) was."

And I can't tell you how often I have listened with my tongue planted firmly behind my teeth, so as not to say anything skeptical.

I mean, who the heck did the guy or the girl think they were marrying? Are they blaming their former spouse for being an impostor? Insincere? A bad actor? A good actress?

But lately I've been wondering if they don't have a point - or if there isn't a point here to be made.

When you first start to like someone, you tend to want them to be the best person possible -- and certainly the best possible man or woman for you.

So what their idea of a hike is a walk through Center City and yours is 10 miles along the Appalachian Trail? They'll get bit by the fitness bug when they see how important it is to you.

What if they don't have kids, and don't even like to be around kids? Yours are so special that they'll have to come around.

What if their idea of a good meal is a great Thai take-out, and yours is a three-course orgy at home?

Often what seems so appealing at the beginning of a relationship can become an irritant after the 'crush and bonding' stage has been blown away by the winds of domesticity.

And it's at THAT point, where a lot of relationships fall apart, that a couple can decide to work it out -- to deal with the reality, not the dream they have built together.

Or they can, not liking what they see (what was usually always there) decide to go in search of the next romance.

Whether that's going to work (or not) in part is based on what they've learned from the woman (or guy) who "wasn't the person she seemed to be" when the two lovers met.

I've seen a lot of marriages and romances fall apart because someone decided to open their eyes and didn't like what he or she saw. And I wonder -- could I deal with that level of ridiculosity (sic) in a person that I loved?

I've seen some things that made me doubt my own sanity -- and I'm a boringly sane person most of the time.

That said, I have as many pecularities as your average single exurban writer clergywoman mom.

It's not at all bad letting your boyfriend or wife see the strange in yourself. Better sooner rather than later...and better be willing to allow him to be equally peculiar.

I still think it's better to go in with your eyes wide open. But if you don't, think about the possibility that the person you don't yet know might be more exciting than the person you do.

You're going to meet him (or her) -- and then you will get to pick. Are you going to be the person she or he thought they knew? Or not?

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