mardi, juillet 08, 2008

Ain't misbehaving

I don't have a lesbian bone in my body. Not that you asked.

The lifestyle, biological or chosen, doesn't tempt me. But I gotta tell you, it would be so convenient to love women instead of guys.

Or maybe that's fantasy, also. Everything I hear from guys tells me women can mess up badly, too.

But being "one of them," on the far side of the male-female divide, I often find guys, their particular fetishes and insecurities, almost impossible to comprehend.

Sometimes I think of that Quarterflash song-"I've felt this darkness over and over and over again, around your heart. I've felt its sharpness, cutting and hiding the fear that I'm trying to bring to the light..." ...the darkness of addiction, or grandiosity, or troubled relationships with kid, or simply the weakness we can't allow to see the light.

Light is the beginning of a cure-but in some cases, fear of the cure is more powerful.

Fortunately I've sensed the darkness in time to avoid meeting them and getting caught up in it. That doesn't mean I haven't stumbled dangerously close.

I don't know what the "darkness" is-perhaps it is self-deception-or distance from a beloved community (remind you of anything?). I think of C.S. Lewis and his description of perdition for those who chose distance from God. There are people who choose distance from truth.

If I don't got a jones for women, perhaps celibacy is the next best thing.

Not yet. I guess, in some place in my soul to which I rarely admit, I'm seeking a man I can trust.

One would be more than enough.

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