Trust: if you don't have it, can you ever get it?

Or can you get it back?

I've been thinking about this issue on and off.

It isn't a constant preoccupation - more like the finger you broke playing volleyball in college that nags at you when the weather is cold and damp.

Just like it's been the past few days.

I am not a person who trusts easily -- it takes a while for me to share my secrets with others, let down my guard, admit others to the nightmares and dreams that are in the background.

I''ll share a lot with you upfront -- but it's what I'm holding back that is perhaps more precious.

On the other hand, I am going to trust you -- to the extent that I believe you are genuine, sincere, well-meaning.

I'm not a jealous person -- living in dread has got to be such a drag. As many times as I've been burned, there are so many other times when my confidence in friends and family has been rewarded.

I try stay open -- feeling that the more confidence you have in someone (someone sane and healthy), the more she or he will live up to your expectations.

Perhaps it's my philosophy of life.

I see us, so often, as driven by interior forces we don't understand, the demons and angels of our nature.

Sometimes what seems to be an opposite reaction will, in fact, be the same old same old pattern of relationship.

It's easier, much easier to forgive the clueless than the malevolent.

But that doesn't mean that it's easier to trust them once that trust has been violated.

One can like someone, wish them well, even be their friend, without trusting them completely. I suppose that there are degrees of candor and of vulnerability.

I look around me, when I have leisure to contemplate, and ponder what will happen to friends and family in relationships where there has been a rift.

Can it be mended?

And what about in my life?

I don't know. But I remain, behind the wide gaze and the warm spirit, in general, exceedingly cautious.