Worn out with care-giving -- between my ex-husband and my children, and concerns over animals essential abandoned during the last month, the dilemmas never seem to end.
Night after night I tumble into bed, some problem stewing in my brain.
And a few things came together this week, and not in a good way, to raise some big questions in my mind.
Does it pay to be patient, and caring and a good listener? Sometimes it seems as if the people who find material and even "spiritual" happiness in love and in work are those who focus on the path before them, and not the needs around them.
Maybe blinders, or rose-colored glasses, aren't such a bad thing to own.
Sometimes "good" seems wimpy, inept, and weak.
Good, as my son might say, is for losers.
Recently, however, someone (you know who you are) planted a notion in my head.
Could kindness actually make you more attractive to someone?
Could a mature attitude towards love and relationships make you more appealing?
Could it actually be sexy?
Honestly, I usually think of my character traits (and trust me, there are many arenas in which I'm not mature) as a defect.
It hasn't helped me "win" at love so far. I'm not clever enough -- or possibly I'm far too analytical to plunge forward on the strength of overwhelming emotion.
Those who say that virtue is its own reward, I often think, must have been smoking something.
But for what is perhaps the first time, I'm wondering if perhaps some guy will come into my life and appreciate my stability -- may even, after much heartbreak, find it intoxicating.
Maybe I'm the one who is smoking something. But what's the alternative? Not like I can dig the miniskirts and weed out of the closet.
If nothing else, my friend this week helped me see something I think of as a deficit as a potential plus.
And for that, I thank him.
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