I hope that I have the inner strength to keep it shut.
You see, I made a simple calculation.
I tried to figure out how much pleasure being potentially available for dates, and the hope of a relationship down the road, had brought me.
A few friends (you know who you are and I'm very glad I met you).
Then I balanced it against the pain I had experienced (yes, much of it self-inflicted).
The endless parade of men who wanted nothing but a "physical relationship" (quite the oxymoron, that).
Harley dudes whose feelings were hurt when I turned them down.
Email conversations that got hostile, because darn it, email is a rotten substitute for longterm communication.
Guys who thought fighting in virtual time was stimulating.
Men in need I felt that I ought to comfort. Yeah, I told you some of the pain was self-inflicted.
A quasi-relationship which ended in a way that left me feeling incredibly dumb and humiliated.
Email chats that lapsed into silence.
Guys who never seemed to want to risk the word "meet."
Men who lie about their age because they "feel" younger.
Indirect exposure to women who seem to live in a parallel universe I've never visited except back in the day of the soap opera.
And, oh yes, an education (purely academic) in various forms of kink that were only names to me when I began.
Gentle reader, what would you do if you were me?
The fact is, of course, that you aren't.
We all make different choices.
Many of you would have had much less tolerance for conversations that were obviously going nowhere.
Some of you would have made certain compromises, whether they be in the realm of physical attraction or emotional intelligence.
Some of you might simply yell "might as well JUMP" and figure out later if you are in roses or in a bed of thorns.
I'm a mother of two teenagers who has chosen to live in a semi-rural area. Mostly I work from home, meaning opportunities for social interaction are fewer than I'd like.
When push comes to shove, right now I have an evening and a full day in which to broaden my social horizons.
Online dating seemed like the solution.
In fact, it is often, though not always, the problem.
Perhaps I'm not going to have a guy in my life.
Perhaps I'm never going to experience the ups and downs of a love relationship.
Perhaps I'll learn, in time, to be o.k. with it.
I don't know yet.
Maybe I'll be back. Perhaps I'll lower my expectations.
Follow the breadcrumb trail here, and I'll let you know when I find out.
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