No, we won't

At her wit's end with the constant bickering in her home, mother Nancy has brought in her quarreling children, Hill, the older sister and Barack, the archetypal younger son to spend some time in family therapy. Hill's boyfriend Bill has invited himself.


Counselor: We all know that diagnosing the problem can help us find a cure.

I'll allow you all to have your say-no, you cannot have your surrogates speak for you.

Remember to use "I" language.

No spitting, scratching or biting.

Barack: "She called me Ken Starr! Can you imagine how traumatized I am!"

Counselor: No, I can't. Oh, sorry, I'm not supposed to say that.

Hill, you may have your say.

Bill-I can speak for her, your honor...I mean, Doctor.

Counselor-No, you can't. Oops, sorry about the negativity.

Hillary: One of his friends called ME a "monster!" Do I seem like a monster to you, Dr.?

Counselor: Not like some I've seen. Caligula, Darth Vader, the Cat Woman...you don't hold a candle to them.

Mother Nancy: I've got other children at home, and they can't concentrate on their studies, with this constant nah nah nah stuff going on all the time. Not to mention, we've got big tests coming up. How do I get them to behave, play nice, share their toys?

Counselor-Why don't you send them to travel around Pennsylvania for a month or so? A fascinating state. Given the vast expanse between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, they may not be seen, or heard from, for months. Which is what you want, isn't it?

I know it's what I want. After five minutes of listening to them fight, I'm ready to bring in Uncle John to kick some butt.

Make sure that obnoxious Bill goes with them. There's a university somewhere near the Pennsylvania Ohio border that's looking for an adjunct in governmental affairs. He's just the ticket!

Mother Nancy: But these are my children! How can I set them loose in a state famous mostly for a baseball team that blew one of the biggest leads in league history-and hasn't won a championship since?

Doctor, we can't do that!

Doctor: Yes, we can.

She escorts them to the door-and shuts it firmly behind them.